she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
