apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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