I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
