It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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