Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
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