I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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