Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Randomize
