Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize