You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
