Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Randomize
