Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
