Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Randomize
