I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
