Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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