So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize