She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
