I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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