can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
