I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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