you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
