How do i ask the guy i made out with for 4 hours if he is gay? He keeps telling me i'm so adorable and that he had a ''blasty''
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
