90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
