Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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