I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
false alarm. still invincible.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
