i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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