There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
