wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Everything about him screamed your future.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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