I'm jealous of your bromance
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
