dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
