i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize