I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
Randomize
