I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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