I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
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