You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
