i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
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