I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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