I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
