I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
