Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
it hurts more in the daytime
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
