I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Randomize
