She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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