We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
