I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
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