so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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