She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Randomize
