Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
