Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Randomize
