oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize