when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
All i remember his him yelling yahtzee while pouring beer down her shirt .
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
