How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
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