I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
