dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
