Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Randomize
