the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
