Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
