i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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