You really coming over, don't trick.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
