Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
