I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
